In Which My Ugly Comes Out

Remember the vulnerability I talked about earlier? About how I feel the need to open up a little more, expose myself a little more on the blog?

Well, here goes. My first attempt at increased vulnerability.

I ruined Blissdom for myself.

But Shelly, what do you mean? You made it seem like you had a really great time in your previous posts.

And here’s the part where I have to explain myself. I DID have a great time at Blissdom. I learned a few things. I was challenged to write with authenticity. And, best of all, I met some really wonderful people.

But still, I was ruined, in a way, because I allowed myself to go into the weekend with a bad attitude, and I stayed in a funk all weekend.

Hopefully, people who met me didn’t notice . . . too much . . . or else they were too kind to say anything. But I’m sure I conveyed a “standoffishness” that isn’t really me. At all. (I’ll let people who really know me chime in about that.)

But here’s the thing. I had been having a difficult couple of weeks prior to Blissdom. Winter and I are not on the best of terms, and emotionally I was feeling frail at best when I left for Nashville. Also, my grandmother had been sick and we were all waiting for her homegoing (which occurred this morning, but more about that later). So that was nagging at my brain before I left as well.

And then there is that old, ugly beast called Insecurity which I let transform me into a totally different person all weekend. I knew I was doing it—holding back, withdrawing, not reaching out—and yet I felt powerless to stop it. The Beast got the best of me, and I am not proud.

All weekend long I listened to terrible thoughts that sounded like this:

I want to be a big blog with more than 100 followers.

I want people to look at my name badge and say, “Oh, hey! I was hoping to meet you!” instead of looking at my name badge and then looking quickly away.

I want people to look at me and see a hip, middle-aged mom who has it all together. (I so do not.)

I want to write for a big-name website.

Oh my pride, it is so big.

Those thoughts (and worse) ate at me all weekend until I just couldn’t take it anymore. I felt so out of my element at Blissdom, so unlike myself, so unsure of myself, that I’m sure I didn’t come across in the most positive light.

It made me mad that I was having these thoughts. I know the truth about myself. I speak to women about these truths, and yet I could not stop the insecurity beast from attacking me. All. Weekend. Long.

Finally, on Friday, I texted my husband and said, “I just want to be home NOW!” and he texted back and said, “Why don’t you?” And just like that I switched my flight from Sunday morning to Saturday morning. I had to get away. From myself and from the beast called Insecurity.

B picked me up at the airport, and I don’t think I’ve ever loved the sight of him more. We talked long and hard throughout the drive home and a delicious lunch date about what I wanted to get out of the weekend, what I want for my blog, and what I want out of life. It was good to debrief in this way.

That night we headed over to the college to watch a basketball game. There we sat—B, Abby, Maggie, and me—in a crowded gym (Kate was there too, sitting with her friends) with our neighbors and friends from church all around us, and I finally was able to relax. For the first time in several days I felt truly happy. And I realized . . . this is where I belong.

This is where people know me best.

This is where I can be myself.

This is where I feel loved and accepted.

This is where I want to be.

Not that I won’t ever go away from home or to another conference, but if I do it will be totally different. I will go in with a different perspective and a different attitude. I’ll go in mentally prepared, unlike this time.

On Sunday morning, as I sat with the junior high girls during our Sunday School class, we sang this song and it touched me so deeply. Because I knew, as I sang these words, that I had forgotten to do this one really important thing before I went to Blissdom. I had forgotten to let God just reign in me.

Reign In Me

Over all the earth
You reign on high
Every mountain stream
Every sunset sky
But my one request
Lord my only aim
Is that you reign in me again

Lord reign in me
Reign in your power
Over all my dreams
In my darkest hour
You are the Lord of all I am
So won’t you reign in me again

Over every thought
Over every word
May my life reflect
The beauty of my Lord
You mean more to me
Than any earthly thing
So won’t you reign in me again

What I Learned at Blissdom

Opryland Hotel, Nashville

Oh sure, my weekend at Blissdom was full of meeting people and parties and such, but there were just a few little tidbits that I stuck in my pocket and kept for later. In fact, lots of information that I needed to read over and absorb once I came back.

There were two amazing keynote speeches at Blissdom--one opening and one closing (funny how that works). Never one to do things in the traditional manner, I'm going to tell you about the closing talk first.

Scott Stratten
Author of UnMarketing, Scott Stratten gave the closing keynote, and to say that guy was hilarious would be an understatement. Hi-lar-i-ous. He seriously should just take his show on the road. (Oh wait. He already did that.) Anyway, 30 side-splitting minutes later, here's what I gleaned from Scott:

Be awesome.

That's it. Just be awesome. Nobody wants to read "meh." Nobody spreads average.

People spread awesome. Awesomely great. Awesomely horrible. Awesomely sweet. Whatever is awesome, it will spread.

A few awesome posts are a whole lot better than a lot of posts that don't say anything.

Here's what I got from Scott's talk that I want to try to improve in my blog. I sometimes settle for the "meh." I sometimes fall into the old I-have-to-put-something-out-there trap and end up with an average post. What I need to do, instead, is to make each post as awesome as I can so that it's worth your time to be here.

Wow. That's humbling.

Brene Brown
Brene was the opening keynote speaker for Blissdom, and after hearing her talk I could have just gone home and been completely satisfied. I have about six pages of notes from her talk--my hand just could not keep up with all the wonderful bits of wisdom she shared with us.

It's going to be hard to distill everything down, but I'll try to categorize a few of the things she talked about.

Shame
1. We all have it, that thing inside of us that says "You are not enough."

2. Nobody wants to talk about it

3. The less we talk about it the more we have it.

Shame brings us down, destroys us. But the only thing shame can't survive is being spoken. WORDS destroy shame.

Wholeheartedness
What do the lives of people look like who say "I am enough"? They are wholehearted lives. These are the people who say "I don't know who I am, I may not be perfect, but I'm going to go ahead and put this out there."

The wholehearted are people who believe in their own worthiness. See, most of us have developed a list of what makes us worthy: "If I do this, I might be good enough." But worthiness has no prerequisites. Worthiness says, "This is just me. It's all I have to offer--myself--and it is enough."

Vulnerability
Most of us think vulnerability is related to fear and uncertainty, and it is, but when put into practice, vulnerability is related to courage and strength. (I loved that!) Vulnerability says "I am willing to feel and I'm willing to let myself be seen."

Vulnerability is the birthplace of

• love
• belonging
• joy
• gratitude
• authenticity
• innovation
• creativity

We have to be careful with vulnerability, though, like we're walking a tightrope between not caring what people think and caring too much about what people think.

She summarized her thoughts this way:

1. Know your short list, those people whose opinions really matter to you. Your go-to people. The people who would do anything for you.

2. Know your boundaries. "Choose discomfort over resentment." This was huge to me because I am such a people-pleaser. I'll say yes to just about anything I can, but Brene's point is that if you are going to resent the thing you said yes to, it's not worth it. Say no now so you don't resent it later. (Lots to think about there!)

3. Know that you are enough. Ask for what you need. When we don't put value on our work, we end up resenting.

4. Our stories matter because we matter. "Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing we will ever do." Blogging comes down to one thing: courage. Share the story of who you are with your whole heart.

My takeaway from Brene: I feel like I need to use this space to be braver, to tell stories that I haven't yet told, to be more vulnerable than I've allowed myself to be. This might be hard, but it might also help someone else in the process.

How about you? What story do you need to share with authenticity? What makes you awesome (besides just being here)? I'd love to know!

Home from Blissdom

This is a photo of the Opryland Hotel in Nashville where Blissdom was held.

It does not do justice to the massiveness that is that place. Wow.

Ahhhhh. I've had a good night's sleep and a chance to debrief, and now I'm ready to recap my Blissdom experience. It may take a few posts to figure it all out, but for today, I just want to write about what Blissdom meant to me.

In a word . . . grace. My word for the year. Grace. And it was so evident that God was showering this down on me this weekend.

For me it wasn't the stuff, the swag, the sponsors (Sorry, sponsors. You were lovely, but just not "it" for me.) or the soirees (and those were pretty nice, too!).

No, for me, Blissdom can best be summed up in the smiles, the simple hellos, the snuggly hugs. The moments of sitting down and talking, getting to know each other.

And the kindness.

All sorts of kindness all around me.



From Jo-Lynne who invited me to room with her and left a session early to walk alllll the way down to the lobby when I arrived (believe me, that was a true sacrifice). . . .

To the (in)Courage gals who provided a place for us like-minded women to congregate. . . .



To Robin who hugged me and welcomed me like an old friend. . . .

To Traci who prayed for encouragement for me one morning and not five minutes later did I meet Richella who seemed like a long-lost friend I had never met.

And finally, to dear Gussy who not only "connected" with my heart, but also saved me a seat in Row 10 on a Southwest flight when I was the next-to-the last person on the plane. Can I just say that I love this girl?! More about her to come, I'm sure.

And so, for me, Blissdom was about learning, but mostly about connecting with some really wonderful women.

I'm so grateful.

Why I'm Going to Blissdom

If you're not a blogger, you can probably just close this post right now because none of it will mean much of anything to you. I mean, NONE of it.

BUT, if you know what posts and links and newbies and trolls and vloggers are, hang around and I'll 'splain myself.

See, there's this conference. It's maybe just a little geeky trendy. It's got a weird name, Blissdom, and it's for bloggers. Yes, 500 women (well, and maybe a couple of guys) who spend their days writing about potty training and fashion and the best way to field dress an elk. (Seriously, there is probably someone out there who has blogged about that.) There are about a million and a half blogs out there, each one screaming into the internet to COME READ WHAT I HAVE TO SAY.

And so, Blissdom. Training for people who blog. People who speak a language that their friends and kids and husbands don't understand.

This is the third year of the Blissdom Conference, and I've always been intrigued by it, but this is the first year I've actually been brave enough to sign up to go. I still haven't told many people that I'm actually going because I'm afraid that if I do, I'll get that glassy-eyed look that one friend gave me earlier this week. You know, the look that says, "Why would you want to do a crazy-a** thing like that?"

So I've avoided all talk of blogging and conferences with my friends for the most part.

But I'm going. And I leave tomorrow. I'll be gone for five days, and I've asked myself over and over again why I'm doing this. I mean, I'm not a serious blogger. Am I? I don't do this for money. Should I? And there's so much I don't know about blogging, even after almost three years.

Which is exactly why I'm going to Blissdom.

1. There's just so much I don't know about blogging. Oh sure, I probably know more than the average Joe about blogging, but Joe (or Jane) knows pretty much nothing. I only know next-to-nothing. So I figure I should go and learn a little more than nothing about blogging.

2. There will be people I have met before. Remember two years ago when I went to She Speaks? I met some really great women at that conference, and many of them will be at Blissdom. So I'm going to reconnect with some "old" friends (which, in the blogging world, is really "new" friends).

3. There will be people I have never met but I've wanted to meet. Like Robin, who I met because she loves Kiawah Island just about as much as I do. And lots of others I've "met" through blogging--women with common interests who inspire me.

4. There are some things I need to figure out about this blog. Like, should I keep blogging as a hobby? Or should I pursue more? More readers. More stats. Just, more. I don't know. So I'm going to Blissdom in a spirit of prayer, hoping to spend some time with God this weekend and really just trying to figure out what He wants with all this.

5. Well, there might also be a few parties and swag and a certain concert with Michelle Branch and Matt Kearney. All of these will make the trip even more worth it.

So there. A few reasons I've decided to geek out this weekend and head to Blissdom. I'm excited. Kind of. Nervous, really.

I'll let you know how it goes.

So, what are YOU doing this weekend?